There is a greatness in my dad
that is so magnificent that you have to be at a distance
like with the sun - so you don't get burned.
It is an intensity born out of the war times
a male born into the second war
in times when loss was common
and compassion was hard to find
in the ocean of despair.
War children carry on the pain
and they want to make it right again
especially men that believe that they are strong and powerful.
But life throws challenges
such as the loss of fingers at the age of 14 - a self inflicted accident
I believe my father never forgave himself for.
Compensating loss, rising over and over again,
bearing pain, finding other ways to cope.
That's my father.
I was born to him on Fathers Day
causing little pain to my mother
who went to church and delivered in the afternoon with ease.
I was a Sunday Father child.
I longed to bring joy to the people
and especially my father.
In the early years that was easy,
my presence was enough.
From school age on I tried to
bring joy through achievement and hard work,
trying to compensate for the challenging
relationship my father had with his son.
Workaholism was a dangerous escape.
Soon materialistic objects became the expression of Love.
Success and achievement became more important
than human relations,
family fell apart,
It took me till my 45th year of life to face my father,
through a very traumatic divorce from a man I loved.
One year of grief counseling, prayer circles, vision quests.
Eventually, I found my buried self and faced my father once more.
As much as I loved my father, I had to leave.
I could not carry his pain...and yet I did.
I left for America at age twenty-one with the promise to return,
and never did.
After my divorce, I sang the Forgiveness song
for four years.
All I can do is forgive,
myself for feeling I was never enough,
my father for not being able to see me,
my daughters for the pain I passed on to them.
I call my father on his birthday
and wish him well.
"You know how much pain you have caused me?"
is his response.
I am 53 years old now.
for my father
who cannot forgive himself,
for all men
who cannot rise above their own pain,
for war generations
who carry unresolved grief.
I am sorry,
please forgive me
I love you
and I thank you.
for my LIFE
I see the greatness in you
that you could not see in yourself.
It is hidden under 81 years of a war
that never ended.
I pray for PEACE
let there be peace
let love reign once more
may we be healed
I LOVE YOU